Fed Up

I'm seriously at the point now where I am fed up with my use of sugar as a coping mechanism. I'm exhausted by it. And I am ready to change again. I am sick of the seriously incessant need for sugar to get me through the day. It's making me feel awful and since I have learned that I am pregnant I am constantly worried about the ill effects on my developing fetus. I am just out of my first trimester and now that the fear of miscarriage has passed I am worried that I am doing permanent damage to my baby's still-developing vital organs. 

I need to change. And I truly want something better for my life. And for my baby's life. I don't want this baby born addicted to sugar and having to struggle their whole life. I want this baby to be as healthy as possible, and to the extent that I haven't ruined that chance already, I would like to try again. To start over. 

I bought myself a sweet from Whole Foods yesterday (my favorite), so I plan to eat that today, remembering the nuances of good and bad emotions it evokes so that I can enter sugar abstinence with a vivid memory of why this is so important. And that will be my last sweet. Indefinitely. 

I need accountability if I am going to make it so I plan to tell my husband tomorrow (it's 4am now) and also my colleagues at work and my sisters. The truth is that sugar doesn't agree with me or my baby. And they should support and respect that. 

No surprise

This week has been fairly horrendous, too. I have been doing some reading about elimination vs moderation this week. I have to say that probably the reason I am still struggling with this problem is that I resist indefinite elimination. But I like what this woman has to say about it. I know which sweet foods I can and cannot moderate and which situations do and do not trigger overconsumption. So if I can just eliminate my triggering foods and situations I can still have the occasional sweet. For example, I can eat a normal serving of pancakes and not go on eating them all day. I can eat a dessert at my in-laws' and stop when I am full. But I can't eat any chocolate at work or ice cream or baked goods with my family without wanting more. So maybe this is the next thing I try? Identifying my trigger situations and eliminating them but allowing in non-triggering situations? Or am I deluding myself?

Horrendous week

Well, my special occasions limitation didn't work. I had sugar every day last week, and a lot of it. The truth is that history has shown me that I can't moderate my intake well. The question then is, what do I do about it?

I want to be someone who can have the occasional sweet or who can turn it down because it's not exactly what I want. And then not obsess over it afterward. I used to be like this, or so I remember. I used to be able to make sane and rational choices about my sugar consumption. And then I was so good at making these choices that I became overly restrictive and then developed eating disorders. And things haven't been the same since. 

So how do I get back to being able to take or leave sweets? If I knew that answer, I wouldn't still be struggling today. I have been to therapists who have told me to not eliminate anything from my diet and then other therapists who have told me I can never eat sugar again. Whatever the answer, I know that my brain chemistry has permanently changed, and whatever I do must respect that. 

Watch a video about how sugar affects the brain here.

What have you found to be true in your experience? Moderate or eliminate? Please comment below. 

Special occasions

Yesterday was Labor Day, September 1st. As with previous sugar elimination attempts, I went back to eating sugar the day after a depletingly challenging sugar-free day. This time it was my sister's BBQ. There were easily 10 different types of desserts there. And about 9 of them were very tempting. I white-knuckled through it, and then had zucchini bread for breakfast the next day because it was September 1st. But it didn't stop with zucchini bread. I had a square of chocolate after lunch and some apple pie with ice cream at my in-laws' after dinner. 

So this morning I thought about how I can reincorporate sweets into my life so as not to feel deprived but also so that I don't quickly return to my old ways of daily overconsumption. And I came up with this: one day a week and  special occasions (not to exceed 2 days a week total). So yesterday was my special occasion. So I may have sweets one other day this week. "Special occasion" is admittedly subjective, but that's ok because I put an upper limit so I have to make choices about which days are special enough to justify. I anticipate deciding at the beginning of the week whether I foresee any special occasions so that I may plan accordingly. 

So that means today I am back to no sugar. And I feel really good about that but not at all deprived. Here's to the start of a new experiment, in moderation!

Day 34, underlying causes

Today is August 31. I've been telling people that I was giving up sugar for the month of August, so I have the mindset that I need to hang in there for just one more day. But today is my sister's BBQ and I am already feeling weak. Last night my husband wanted ice cream so he asked me whether I wanted some. I almost caved. It's like someone only has to suggest it and I'm already one foot out the door. But I talked with him about it and he agreed to buy a flavor I wouldn't like. He came home with coffee ice cream. Blech. He did the right thing and still I was disappointed he didn't pick up Chubby Hubby. So today is the BBQ and I'm afraid my will may be too weak today. I feel good and yet I'm tempted to return to that which makes me feel good for just a moment and then makes me feel sick and depressed and wanting more. It's insane. 

The hardest situations for me, by far, are family situations. Sweets are so much engrained with how my family relates to each other that I feel like an outsider in situations where I don't join in. And one of my greatest insecurities from way back is feeling like I don't  fit in and belong socially, professionally, and even with my family. I've been conditioned to eat sweets to relieve the anxiety associated with feeling like an outsider or like I'm not good enough. Breaking this conditioning takes a strong, concerted effort and a great belief that what I am doing is worth the effort, because the alternative is so immensely immediately rewarding, despite it's ultimate disappointment.  

Day 33, torn

It has been 33 days since I ate refined, processed sugar. I continue to feel mostly great--even energy, stable moods, steady excess-weight loss. And yet, I am tempted to return to sugar after August is over. Last night I was at my parents' house, and after dinner they had ice cream and m&ms for my nieces (and everyone else). The m&ms seemed like they were calling my name, and mom had my favorite ice cream, Breyers mint chocolate chip. I sat at the table with everyone else as they ate their sundaes and felt a little sad that I couldn't partake, which got me rationalizing that I could reincorporate sweets in a few days. But I do think it's best if I continue sugar-free a while longer. I know it's the right thing to do and yet I resist it because the rebel child in me wants what it wants and doesn't want to hear no. 

Day 29, I'm surrounded

Yesterday and today find me in Deerfield, IL, for business. I spent yesterday at a workshop sponsored by a pharmaceutical company. When I entered, I noticed they had provided breakfast items. Thankfully I had already eaten, because the options were sugar-laden yogurt with sugary granola or sugary breakfast bars. They also had a fruit tray, which I enjoyed, but that was it. Then for lunch, it was boxed deli meat sandwiches (I managed to find one with grilled veggies) with chips and a cookie (I donated mine to whomever wanted it), but the only beverage option was various forms of brown soda: Coke, Pepsi, Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi. And the vast majority of people downed one or more bottles. One woman had 3 bottles of Diet Coke. I was cringing. 

I get so used to my routine and my habits that sometimes I forget just how pervasive these foods and drinks are. And no one bats an eye at having sugar for breakfast followed by several bottles of soda. Our food environment needs to change in a big way. 

Day 27, reflecting on progress

I haven't written in a while, but I am still going strong. This blog was instrumental in getting me to where I am, and I was able to write openly about my challenges in the first few weeks, but now I am solidly into my 4th week (nearly finished with it) and haven't needed it as much as I did. I did want to reflect on my progress this morning, though, so I decided to write. 

Right now, I have no sugar cravings whatsoever and I don't feel deprived in the least. Granted, my temptations have been minimal this past week, so that certainly helps. It makes me think about if/when I will reincorporate sweets into my life. I clearly don't need to, but sometimes social pressures are so hard to resist. Having nearly 4 weeks of complete abstinence from sugar helps saying no to sweets to be easier, but doesn't mean it's necessarily easy all of the time. From the beginning I said I would see if I thought I could eat just one sweet and be satisfied as my measure of whether I could go back to sweets. I don't think I am there yet. 

I will be traveling for work today and will be completely out of my normal routine. I will be sure to pack plenty of Larabars and nuts, my go-to travel snacks. Finding healthy meals may not be so easy, but I will do my best to find the healthiest option available. It will likely be a challenge, but should be fun to try new things that are outside of my normal routine!

Day 22, self-compassion

Three weeks down and feeling really (really) good. I've had pretty easy days for the last several days, so I'm feeling very lucky and not at all craving sweets. You've seen my earlier posts on how hard this can be, though, so I thought I would share with you an article I recently wrote on self-compassion while implementing dietary change. I thought that readers of my blog might benefit from what I have found out about self-compassion and why beating yourself up is never the right answer. This may be published elsewhere shortly, but for now I wanted to publish it here for those who are interested. I'd love to hear what you think about this topic! How hard is it for you to be compassionate with yourself?

Self-Compassion To Support Dietary Changes

There’s no question that implementing substantial dietary changes to improve our health and/or lose weight can be difficult; the dietary habits that we practice have been practiced over the course of our lifetimes. It may be tempting to fix the problem by “going on a diet,” but we have seen and heard (and probably experienced first-hand) that dieting doesn’t work long-term for a large portion of Americans. This seemingly fatalistic fact can be demotivating, or worse, can lead to hopelessness, causing dieters to abandon efforts to improve their health. In fact, in a recently published study by Dar-Nimrod et al (2014), patients with obesity who were told that their condition had a genetic (and therefore assumed to be deterministic) cause were more likely to overeat than those who were told obesity has a non-genetic, psychosocial cause.

Dieting as part of the problem

But what if “dieting,” as it has been promoted in America, is more a part of the problem than the solution? Standard dietetic dogma considers all calories as if they are treated equally by the body, and has become deeply engrained in mainstream American society—nearly anyone trying to lose weight will tell you they are counting calories (and probably also limiting fat). From a metabolic standpoint, this advice is not only misleading, it’s damaging. Food quality affects metabolism in several important and intricate ways that a mere calorie count fails to capture. Foods promoted to dieters as being “low-calorie” or “low-fat” are usually also highly processed and contain either large amounts of refined sugar or artificial sweetener. Unlike refined sugar, fat is a vital nutrient for the creation of important appetite- and mood-regulating hormones, and for overall cellular health. Refined sugar also sets off a cascade of metabolic events that counterproductively increase consumption and encourage fat storage. Thus, “diet” foods are typically a misnomer.

Sugar addiction

As with metabolic health, an emerging area of research also supports an effect of food type and quality on mental health (Jacka et al, 2014). A growing body of evidence supports the notion that sugar is addictive, which can cause increased consumption despite efforts to reduce intake, further enhancing its adverse metabolic and mental health effects. In susceptible individuals, sugar stimulates the endogenous dopamine and opioid systems in the brain that reinforce increased consumption, such that eating sugar causes increased cravings for sugar. Far from being fatalistic, the knowledge that sugar is addictive should actually provide hope rather than despair for those who suffer.

Not a personal failing

Mainstream understanding and acceptance of the addictive properties of sugar is on the rise, but unfortunately damaging messages regarding personal responsibility prevail. Some individuals, whose sugar addiction has led to overweight or obesity, regularly hear messages that label them as gluttons and sloths (thinly veiled as the advice to “move more and eat less”) and are often victims of fat-shaming (“you know better, so you should be able to do better”). Hand-in-hand with the profound abundance of negative external messages comes a near-constant barrage of internal negative self-talk. These damaging internal and external messages increase the negative mindset and further encourage comfort eating, making change even more difficult.

Struggling with sugar addiction is not a personal failing; our brains have been hijacked by the intentionally addictive highly processed foods that are so readily available in modern society. Despite this, one of the beautiful capacities of the human body is its seemingly infinite capacity to adapt. We can reestablish a healthy relationship with food by returning to natural, whole foods, and avoiding highly processed foods. During this process, a lot of patience and self-compassion are needed, as the solution is simple, but not easy.

Self-compassion

A practice of self-compassion may bolster against negative self-talk and build resilience against negative external messages. Compassion is a central tenet of several of the world’s religions, most notably Buddhism, though it does not require any religious belief; compassion simply requires observing suffering and a genuine desire to alleviate that suffering. When applied to one’s own suffering, it is termed self-compassion, and encourages a kinder, gentler approach to dietary improvements than what is often described in military terms (eg, “combating” obesity). Self-compassion, with its non-judgmental desire to alleviate one’s own suffering, negatively correlates with depression (Neff, 2003), alleviates psychopathology, and predicts positive psychological states, such as happiness and optimism (Neff, Rude, & Kirkpatrick, 2007). Self-compassionate people are also less likely to catastrophize negative situations, experience anxiety following a stressor, or avoid challenging tasks for fear of failure (Allen & Leary, 2010), all of which may help an individual whose go-to coping mechanism is comfort eating to improve their eating habits, increase resilience in the face of set-backs, and reduce the negative effect of societal norms.

For some reason, our society tends to think the only way to improve oneself is by beating ourselves up for our shortcomings. Treating oneself kindly is often equated with being soft or complacent, and perceived as being incongruous with the motivation to improve one’s condition. Self-criticism, which is often believed to be an effective motivator, correlates strongly with many psychopathological conditions, including depression, anxiety, and eating disorders (Longe et al, 2009). Showing oneself kindness and compassion shows that we understand that our suffering is real and difficult, and is part of the universal human condition.

Self-compassionate eating

For a self-compassionate approach for improving health to work, one needs to abandon traditional forms of dieting, and re-establish trust in the body’s innate abilities to self-regulate. When fed nutritious, whole foods, the body intuitively knows when to start and stop eating. Dr. Ellen Satter has developed a beautiful explanation of what “normal eating” looks like, and I encourage you to visit her website.

While a large component of self-compassionate eating involves not judging what is eaten, being self-compassionate also suggests that one generally eat in a manner that supports overall health, because this approach alleviates the most suffering. Regular or excessive unhealthy eating can lead to great suffering in terms of health and overall quality of life by leading to diabetes, metabolic syndrome, hypertension, high cholesterol, and many other health conditions; a desire to avoid these health problems should be a large part of a self-compassionate approach to eating.

Increasing self-compassion

One way to start increasing self-compassion is to start noticing the sorts of self-talk in which we engage. If you find that you berate yourself for every shortcoming or mistake that you make, it’s an excellent indication that you may benefit from cultivating some self-compassion. A general compassion-developing exercise has been used in the Buddhist tradition for centuries. In this exercise, one sits quietly and focuses on cultivating feelings of loving-kindness for oneself, then progressing to a loved-one, a neutral person, a difficult person, all four of these individuals equally, and then for the entire universe. The progression can be done over the course of a single sitting or over several months, depending on how difficult bestowing these feelings for these individuals may be. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to do this exercise, it simply requires a genuine desire to love oneself and others, and can be done at any pace.

In the end, all beings suffer in one way or another. What better way to acknowledge that than to extend compassion? In the process, we can reclaim our physical and mental health.

Day 21, new routines

Today will mark 3 weeks without refined sugar. I'm so grateful I kept going when it got hard. It truly is worth the effort. I have been cooking a lot and dislike it less than I used to because I know it nourishes me and my husband. I am proud to cook fresh meals from scratch for us. And I have now gotten into a rhythm where I pick out 3 recipes and get all of the ingredients on Sunday, so I don't have to grocery shop and cook on a weeknight. 

Yesterday I made some homemade LaraBars, or as my husband calls them, AmandaBites. I'm excited about this batch because they taste just like the zucchini bread as I remember it. Just dates, pecans, cinnamon, and nutmeg. So simple, yet so delicious! I can't wait to have one today! I haven't had sassy water in a while, but am bringing it back (slightly modified) today. 

I now have a new set of routines and rituals that I quite enjoy and am not feeling sorry for myself or deprived in any way! So bring it, week 4!

Day 20, going strong now

It's day 20 and I couldn't be happier. I spent the day at a party yesterday for my most supportive friend, and she told me in advance that there would be no foods I needed to worry about. And what a difference it makes! I could eat anything and not worry about feeling deprived. If only everyone else I knew shared her healthy eating values! I then went to an awesome museum with my husband, after which we got Starbucks. He had a mocha chip frappucino and biscotti while I had unsweetened iced tea and a 100% fruit bar. I honestly didn't feel I was missing out, either. His drink seemed heavy and overly sweet, while mine was refreshing and light. Then we went to dinner with my friend who just got engaged yesterday and we got an appetizer and meal. No one got dessert. 

When the environment makes it easy for you, it's much easier to not feel deprived. Although life won't always be in our favor during this change, it's awesome when it is and it's an opportunity to step back and appreciate that we're doing the right thing. Maybe we can even be a positive example to inspire others to improve their health!

Day 19, wonderful day

Today was a wonderful day! So wonderful, in fact, that I didn't have time to write! Hope to write more tomorrow. For now, I am happily exhausted! Good night!

Day 18, I've been here before

Day 18. I have only ever made it 18 days without sugar 3 times before. Once in 2008, when I gave up sugar from New Year's Day until the day after Easter, then last August (2013) when I made it the entire month of August, and then again last November (2013) when I quit sugar from November 1 to December 15. 

When I did this in 2008, it was a New Year's resolution that I couldn't maintain after all of the tempting Easter candy I was surrounded by. I made it through Easter Day, white-knuckling the entire time, only to have exhausted all of my abilities the very next day and indulge again. I remember that time pretty well. I was still emotionally eating other, non-sugar foods, during those 3 months, so I still had other issues to work through at that point. 

But my 2 attempts in 2013 were much different. I wasn't emotional eating at all. Well, hardly at all. I think everyone eats for emotional reasons on occasion. I have learned a lot since 2008 about what foods support overall health, and I am in a much better personal situation now than I was then. 

The question now is, how long will my August 2014 sugar fast be? I think I will approach this question differently than the other 3 times I have quit (and gone back to) sugar in the past. I will take an honest reassessment at the end of August to see whether I truly believe I could eat 1 dessert and be content. I am fairly sure that after just 1 month the answer will be no. So sugar free September will likely ensue. And then I can reassess from there. The key is being honest with myself about my limitations and honoring my needs. 

Day 17, food and mood

I am feeling pretty even-keeled these days. After my horrible day on Monday (day 14), things have gotten easier. It always amazes me when I go without sugar just how stable I feel. No high highs, no low lows. I am prone to depression, and although I am always susceptible to a depressive episode, I find that the deeper aspects of depression don't stick around as long when I'm not eating sugar. And (hold on to your hats) I occasionally feel joy as well, which was something I was sure I'd never feel again when I was at my lowest just a year ago. 

There's a very strong link between food and mood. I have certainly noticed this in my experience, and studies have been conducted that support this. And it makes sense--if what you eat impacts your physical health, how could it not affect mental health? Your mind is part of  your body, afterall! High quality fats, protein, and whole, unrefined carbohydrates literally contain the building blocks for every cell in your body, including the neurons in your brain. Processed and refined foods have been around for a relatively short time evolutionarily speaking, and although our bodies are exquisitely capable of breaking them down and using them to sustain us, the fuel is less than ideal, and in some cases, very damaging. In recent history since these foods have been introduced, obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, and other noncommunicable diseases have taken over as the leading cause of death worldwide (ref). I'd say that's one experiment that is failing, and it's time to return to the unprocessed foods of our ancestors, including a drastic reduction in refined sugar consumption. 

Day 16, the hard makes it great

I was at work yesterday, fairly content and not at all thinking about sugar. Then my boss mentioned she was eating her favorite ice cream and immediately I was salivating. Just like Pavlov's dog, I'm a conditioned animal. That disruption of my inner peace reminded me how little control we have over external triggers. I could walk in to a buffet of pastries and baked goods at work today and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. This is why we need to bolster ourselves from within so we are not so affected by the whims of others. 

The world is full of challenging situations. Sugary foods are plentiful and socially acceptable. Opting out of sweets means marching to your own drummer. I read a quote once that has been attributed to Tom Hanks, "if it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great." So let's reframe the challenge of not eating sugar from being a burden to being something that makes us unique and powerful. It empowers us to be the best we can be, and doesn't diminish us unless we let it. 

Day 15, but only just barely

Yesterday was HARD. I very nearly gave up, and sincerely wanted to give up in the moment. I white-knuckled through it and didn't use any of the resources I claim to use, except I talked about it with a friend, who convinced me to stay the course and make a pros/cons list to help me to decide what to do. I agreed, knowing full well that no rationally drafted pros/cons list will support eating sugar in my circumstances. Here's my list. 

Pros to giving up and eating sugar:

1. I can eat sweets as a coping mechanism

2. Social situations involving sugar are easier

Cons to giving up and eating sugar:

1. I can't moderate intake very well for very long

2. I will soon be eating more than I intend to

3. Over-consumption of sugar makes me feel sick and depressed

This is an abbreviated list, but these are my best pros and cons. It's sort of all I need to show that any rational, sane person wouldn't give up. As much as I wanted to give up yesterday, I know what is better for me. It's just really really hard sometimes. I need to get better at using deep breathing and walks to de-fuse cravings. It's strange because I know I have these tools, but in the moment I'm so narrowly focused that I can't see my other options, and don't really want to either. Today my goal is to take a short meditation break as needed. I'm grateful to have support for moments I'm hanging on by a thread!!!

Everything feels hard

Some days, like today, everything feels hard. My life feels overwhelming. I'm not giving up sugar in a vacuum. My life continues with all its other struggles as well, including renovating our home (which we bought a year ago), keeping up with yard work, cleaning the house, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, maintaining and nurturing my relationship with my husband, insecurities about my body, feeling inferior because I don't have nice clothes, balancing my household budget, spending time with friends and family, exercising, getting adequate sleep, working 40+ hours a week, caring for my dog...the list feels endless. I don't know how to do it all sometimes, and it makes me feel horribly depressed. I don't know how people juggle their own lives, not to mention the lives of their children.

Some days I barely feel that I am keeping my head above water. And on those days, all I want to do is escape. That's where sugar comes in. Usually I can escape in a handful of M&Ms from the candy dish at work, or some ice cream if I am at home. But without my escape coping mechanism, I am left to feel the full brunt of the difficulty of life. Jon Kabat-Zinn has a book called Full Catastrophe Living that talks about using meditation as a tool for a stressful life, and I feel the title of his book nicely summarizes how I am feeling now. I feel I'm living the full catastrophe. In some moments, I think feeling and living this way is beautiful. You can feel the pain and the pleasures of life more fully when you're truly awake for it, and without sugar, I have nothing to numb myself from the full catastrophe. On the other hand, being fully present for the full catastrophe is hard, and it's obvious to me why I go to sugar to help ease the discomfort. All I want right now is to forget about my list of responsibilities, but I have to learn new ways (and Jon Kabat-Zinn would suggest meditation is an excellent way, and I agree with him) of coping.

Day 14, skin as a signal

My skin has been breaking out the past few days. I'm not sure whether it is hormonal or somehow due to my body's detox from sugar process, or if it means I'm still doing something wrong with my diet. I'm guessing it may be the third option. I suspect I have some sort of gluten sensitivity, but have said I am taking baby steps to improve my diet. I can't do it all overnight or I will certainly feel deprived and cave. But I suspect that if I can maintain being sugar-free for a couple of months, I will need to start exploring other food sensitivities. 

It is common for people who are sensitive to sugar, as I am, to also have other food sensitivities. Common among them is gluten sensitivity, since foods high in sugar also tend to have refined flours (cakes, cookies, etc). We often have the hardest time eliminating foods to which we are most sensitive, so I suspect for me, gluten will be my first undertaking. I think I could easily give up most dairy (cheese might be a challenge!), since I don't really like milk, unsweetened yogurt, or cottage cheese that much. But cheese, yes I love cheese. Although cheese would be easier than gluten!

Today I am feeling like my quitting sugar has stalled out somehow. Maybe it's because over the weekend I didn't really eat that healthfully. I'm looking forward to making home-cooked meals this week to start feeling better again!

Day 13, sadness

I made it through the birthday party yesterday without any problems. The cake was served with ice cream, and there were some many raspberry tarts and cupcakes and chocolate candies. I wanted all of them and none of them at once. Nothing looked particularly tempting (though it was all super cute), and yet I found myself wanting all of it. I imagined what it would be like to have just one bite, and quickly saw the escalation that would ensue and knew I couldn't do just one bite. I watched everyone else eating, their mouths stained red and black by the frosting, and felt sad for myself. There's a real mourning period in sugar abstinence. When you're used to sweet foods equating with love, fun, and happiness, you can't help but feel a little sad that you don't get to participate anymore. 

Of course, I'm grateful today that I didn't have anything yesterday, but yesterday highlighted the fact that although my cravings are mostly gone, social situations will continue to be a challenge. 

Day 12, routine

Saturday morning, my one chance this week to sleep in, and I'm up at 6AM. Could have used an extra hour or two! Weekends, for me, are a complete lack of my normal Monday through Froday routine. At work, I usually have 3 cups of green tea, regularly scheduled snacks, and an afternoon beverage routine of kombucha followed by a can of seltzer. Lunches are usually right at noon, and dinners right around 7. I keep glutamine at my desk for ready use. But on the weekend, anything can happen. I almost never have my tea in the morning, and often forget about my structured snacks. All of which means I may be more vulnerable to wanting sugar at 1-year-olds' birthday parties. 

So when I am not eating sugar I have to be mindful of not getting too hungry on the weekend. And sometimes we eat meals out on the weekend, which poses its own unique problems. Restaurants are known for sneaking sugar in very unsuspecting places that I would never do when cooking at home. I try to anticipate which foods are most likely to be sugar-laden, and avoid the worst offenders. I can't control every single source of sugar on the weekend, but can do my best to avoid the most likely sweetens foods (glazes, breads, marinades, some Asian-style sauces, ketchup, BBQ sauce, etc). The break in routine can sometimes be daunting, especially when sugar abstinence is still new, but it's also a time to experiment and learn how to best support your needs. 

Day 11, becoming normal

By today, I'm feeling like not eating sugar is my normal state. It would feel strange to me to eat junk food, and I'm glad that it's not my regular pattern anymore. In fact, I forgot to write my blog this morning when I woke up because I'm not struggling right now. But I have been here before, and know I cannot get complacent. An urge will inevitably sneak up on me or I may be somewhere and start pitying myself again for "missing out" on things. Above all, I still need to prepare for challenging situations.

For example, I will be attending a birthday party tomorrow for my friend's 1-year-old daughter. I'm certain there will be cake and other desserts/sweets around. Although I hadn't thought of it until now, I will need to make sure that I'm well-fed and not hungry when the cake is passed around. I also need to make sure I have ways to divert my attention so I don't focus on the lack, and instead focus on what I am gaining. I will need to allow myself a time-out if things get too intense. One place I like to retreat to, where I know I can always have privacy in challenging situations, is the bathroom. Not necessarily the nicest place for a personal retreat, but that space is mine while I am in it and no one else is allowed in there. I sometimes use it as a place to refocus myself and regain perspective in challenging situations. I can close my eyes and take 3 deep breaths and no one will look at me strangely. I will also be bringing some portable snacks, like a Larabar and some nuts, so that I have something to take away my hunger in the event that all that is offered is cake.

So yes, although not eating sugar feels natural to me now, I will still have my moments of self-pity, weakness, and craving. The key to staying on track is to know that these events will come up, and to have some tools available to help me cope in those situations.

Day 10, dealing with feelings of deprivation

Ta-da! I'm on day 10! Feeling good about that this morning. But yesterday the usual feeling-sorry-for-myself started creeping in. I'm very familiar with this phenomenon. After the difficulty and novelty starts wearing off and I realize this is a long term change, I start pitying myself for needing to make this drastic of a change. I start looking longingly at the candy dish at work, not because I actually want what is in it at that moment, but because I'm sad that I may never again be able to freely eat sweets. That is usually the start of a deprivation mindset. 

But this time, I see it happening and I know where it leads, so I am going to cut it off from the start. Choosing not to eat sugar is my choice. No one is forcing it on me. I have observed how my body and mind react to sweets and have chosen to take a different course. The idea that I am somehow deprived of something I deserve or that I am missing out on something special or fun is misguided. I don't really have fun when I am overeating sugar. It's painful and makes me uncomfortable. If I could have just small amounts then yes I might actually enjoy it, but obsessive compulsions are not fun. At best they provide a release, but they are not fun. I can find release from stress and tension in other ways. One of my favorites is being in nature. When I can't be in nature, a good substitute is a brief meditation where I imagine myself floating on a lake, or seeing the view from the top of a mountain. These are tools that I have with me at all times and that help to break the habitual mind patterns that tell me I need to eat that chocolate bar I don't even like that much. 

So deprivation and pity, begone!!!!!

Day 9

As I was typing in the title for this post, "Day 9," I was surprised/happy/relieved that in have made it this far. Surely there are challenges ahead, but I now have momentum to keep going. I don't have headaches anymore, my hunger has normalized and now represents true hunger instead of blood sugar dips, and I don't feel I need a nap at 3:00 each afternoon. Do I still have room for improvement? Absolutely. My main focus to this point had been, and will continue to be for some time, on the overt sugars: pastries, cookies, chocolate, ice cream. The obvious stuff. I also don't eat sugar-laden yogurt or ketchup or cereals. But there are still small amounts of covert refined sugars in some of the foods I eat, like store-bought pickles and hamburger buns. These things take up such a small portion of my diet that they seem to me to be much less important than avoiding the overt offenders. I am very familiar with reading food labels and try to make as much food from scratch as I can, so my sugar intake now is very low. When I go sugar-free, many people ask me about fruits or assume I won't eat them. A whole piece of fruit with the vitamins and fiber, especially when in season, is very healthy, and I am happy to keep them in my diet. 

Life is still sweet when you don't eat sugar, you just adjust and appreciate the natural sweetness that has always been there instead of overstimulating with hyper-palatable foods. 

Day 8, lessons learned

For the most part, week 1 was relatively easy. I learned that my most difficult situations involve family gatherings, not because people are pressuring me, but because I'm afraid of having to stand up for myself with them and I'm afraid of not fitting in. This is something I always sort of knew, but this week made it very clear. I don't like being singled out as doing something strange. So I cave under perceived pressure. 

Sometimes the pressure is more real and less imagined. But I learned that it doesn't really matter. I anticipate being teased or misunderstood and to avoid that I just blend in. Lesson learned. 

That's one of the more interesting things about the no sugar journey. You learn things about yourself that you may never have known before, you just have to make it through the hard times to learn the lesson they hold. 

I also learned that when my will to go on weakens, having an excellent support system can provide the nudge to keep going. You may also find, as I did, that forgiving yourself for minor imperfections in eating helps to maintain the overall larger goal of avoiding heavily sugar-laden foods. 

In sum, find support, be compassionate and flexible with yourself, and be open to the lessons that present themselves. It's not easy, I won't lie, but it's a journey worth taking. 

Day 7, support

I made it through the zucchini bread, chocolates, cookies, cake, and ice cream temptations yesterday. But barely. I truly would have given up were it not for the fact that I had support from my friend and although she'd be very understanding if I caved, I didn't want to have to admit defeat. So I stayed the course. Mind you, no one pressured me to eat anything, they just offered and I felt guilty or uncomfortable saying no. I was afraid of being teased or even just questioned. But since I was honestly still full from dinner, I just said I was full and no one questioned it. I sat at the table as they all ate dessert, sweet aromas tempting me. But I stayed the course.

It's very important, especially at the beginning, to have support. If no one else knew I was trying to give up sugar last night, I would have had at least some cake and ice cream, and then this morning I would feel defeated and hopeless and just give up. But this morning, instead, I am relieved and grateful and hopeful. Here's to supportive friends!

The struggle is real

I've thought about giving up at least a dozen times today. And it's only 4:15. My husband made zucchini bread and I know how good it is, so the aroma was almost unbearable. Then he sliced it and shared it with my sister and her family. I rationalized that maybe the zucchini and whole grain flour somehow negated the sugar and therefore it was ok to eat some. I  thought about giving up because it's not really a realistic thing to undertake. It's just too hard. At the grocery store with my sister, I saw a lot of new processed foods I have never seen before, all of which are marketed as being "healthy," "all natural," and/or "organic." They were all, without exception, loaded with sugar.

Then I thought about how badly I would feel if I gave up so soon and didn't even give it a real chance. I thought about how quickly it always escalates from a bite of zucchini bread to a couple of chocolates to scavenging for even stale old nasty graham crackers. It's a slippery slope that always starts from a well-intentioned place. But it never ends well. And so I wrapped up the zucchini bread and put it out of sight and out of mind.

Day 6, hungry vs hangry

So this is my sixth sugar-free day. It is also the day I will be visiting my family pretty much all day. I need to prepare a bit. I have a few snacks that I will bring in case hunger strikes and all that's there is animal crackers. I will pack some nuts, a larabar, and a kombucha.

Day 5 was pretty easy. I spent the day with my very understanding and supportive friend, so I was able to process some of my feelings a bit better than I normally do on my own. I discussed with her how I have noticed when I am off sugar that I actually feel hunger that is less immediate and intense. It's a lower level, "you should eat soon," rather than "FEED ME NOW." She reminded me of the term "hangry," which I think is the perfect explanation for the feeling of a low blood sugar hunger. I love not having those upswings and dips in energy and mood that come from sugar.

I am still having slight headaches at night, but for the most part they are gone. I am also still fairly tired when I wake up but I have also had two late nights in a row. I haven't written much about exercise, but hope to in future posts. For now, I'm off to run!

Day 5, finding the grey

So, at my sister's yesterday there were lots of tempting sweets. Coconut cashews (plus about 5 different forms of sugar on the label), and lots of sweets to dip in chocolate after dinner. My family likes dessert. I was able to fly under the radar by having a slice of banana not dipped in chocolate. I don't think anyone noticed that I abstained. Afterwards, I mentioned this to my husband and he agreed he didn't even notice--and we had discussed my plans in advance.

I wouldn't say that I didn't have ANY processed sugar yesterday, though. As part if my strategy to avoid the real heavy hitters I made sure I wasn't hungry going into dessert. In so doing, I had some cheese and crackers. I can almost guarantee you those crackers had some sugar in them (I know because I have looked for crackers without sugar and it's not easy to find). But I decided to eat some crackers in cheese in lieu of feeling deprived and giving up when the real hard hitter came out. Compromise. And honestly, I don't feel I cheated or quit or anything. I made the very best of my situation and was flexible. Having recovered from anorexia years ago, I know what rigid eating looks like. The rules, panic, worry. Last night was not that. Last night was a triumph of flexible eating and self care all at once. I had a therapist teach me to find the grey areas amid my constant black and white mentality. All or nothing. Last night was about sinking in and inhabiting the grey spaces while not compromising my core beliefs and values. And it felt good.

Day 4, planning

I had a good day yesterday, despite getting off to a sleepy start. I'm starting to notice my energy leveling out, headaches are weakening, cravings are starting to lessen, and the perpetual bloat is starting to subside. None of these things are gone yet, and I know I still have my work cut out for me in the days ahead, but I have typically found if I can make it through the first three days, my chances of lasting longer term are pretty good.

It's Friday and the weekends can be challenging, especially since this weekend I may be seeing my family. I don't have a lot of support for my no sugar lifestyle with my family. My sister and my mom tried cutting back a bit once but I think they don't understand why I want/need to eliminate it. So I will be working with feelings of deprivation going into this weekend so they don't get the best of me on Sunday. I will have an alternative so I don't feel deprived, and need to work on my mental game to be prepared and not cave under the pressure. It's important, especially at the beginning to try and anticipate stressful/challenging situations as much as possible. Things will always come up that you don't expect but to the extent that is possible, a bit of preparation can make the difference between staying the course and quitting. So I am planning well in advance because I know what situations are difficult for me. And family gatherings are definitely up there!

Day 3, sleep

Are you one of those people that can never get enough sleep? Or do you get by with minimal sleep? I am one of the former. I get roughly 8 hours a night typically and it never really seems like enough. I was on vacation last week and had the wonderful luxury of not having to set an alarm all week. I went to bed between 9 and 9:30 and didn't wake up until after 6 most days, a couple of days I was asleep until 7! For the most part, I could nap when I wanted to and had minimal stress. Unfortunately, in the "real-world" I need to set an alarm and can only seem to find time for 8 hours a night. So I'm tired a lot, but most especially tired these first few days of sugar detox. I definitely use sugar for the energy it provides. Mid-afternoon, when what I really want is a nap, I have to sit at my desk and work, so sugar is often a quick energy boost. Of course the boost doesn't last long and I subsequently crash, but it seems like it works, so I do it repeatedly.

But it's not just mid-afternoon that sugar affects me. Waking up in the morning I don't have the full energy I need for the day because I have habitually over-taxed my adrenals, leading to what is known as adrenal fatigue. Chronic stress and poor diet (as is common among those who abuse sugar), leads to high baseline levels of stress hormones produced by the adrenal glands. Over time, the adrenals can't keep up with demand and you are left feeling fatigued. A healthy diet and regular meditation practice will go a long way toward restoring adrenal health. But, as with any biological process, it takes time. And in the meantime, I don't want to use coffee or other artificial stimulants for energy, so I am just tired for a while. I give myself extra rest and sleep where I can, and just hold on tight, knowing it will get better.

Cravings-wise, yesterday was harder than day 1. I was feeling sorry for myself and had several urges to give up. Those darn Kit-Kats finally went away by the late afternoon so hopefully today won't be as hard.

Glutamine, sugar cravings, and gut health

As I put a scoop of glutamine into my morning tea, I thought I might take a minute to write a short post about the wonderful attributes of glutamine during the sugar elimination process. Not only is glutamine preferentially utilized by the brain as a source of fuel (and so is a good stand-in for sugar when you need energy), but it also helps to heal a leaky gut. "Leaky gut" (or permeable intestine) sounds awful because it is awful. Basically, when you have a poor diet (eg, one heavy in processed foods and sugar), your intestines start to allow proteins and toxins into the bloodstream that would normally pass through the digestive system and be eliminated. This can instigate a host of inflammatory and auto-immune responses by the body that can result in overall poor physical (and mental!) health.

The gut plays a huge role in our health, and scientists are just beginning to discover all of the intricate ways in which our internal bacterial colonies contribute to our mental and physical health. Michael Pollan is doing some groundbreaking work in this area. Check out the American Gut project to see how you can contribute to his research.

Day 2 (plus day 1 review)

One day under my belt and feeling (mostly) good. It's 6:22 AM and I have a bit of a headache, but other than that I seem to be holding my own. Day 1 wasn't so bad, certainly not my worst day 1 ever (I've done this a lot). I actually found some humor in the fact that the candy dish at work today magically materialized one of my favorites (bite-sized Kit-Kats), which are almost never there. So that was about the hardest part of my day, and really it just made me laugh and helped me see how my mind tries to bargain with me, "Oh, you love those. You can have just one (or you can have the whole bowl and restart again tomorrow)." Haha, nice try!

I think that having healthy food prepared and ready for me helped a lot. I also had a lot of little things to look forward to all day that didn't involve junk food (I was strangely excited about my sassy water and even shared the recipe and tastings with my colleagues).

So I'm on to day 2. I think my reward today will be something that involves rest. I am very tired (oh yeah, I was tired yesterday too), so I will look forward to relaxing on the couch and guiltlessly watching an episode of Last Week Tonight. I'm already looking forward to it!

Day 1

So, here it is. Day 1. I'm nervous, scared, anxious, relieved, tired, and overall optimistic. I've done this before so I should be an old pro by now, right? Well, sort of. Yes, I have done this before, and yes some days were glorious and easy, but some days were really hard and I just wanted to give up. It was only by some miracle that I stayed the course. I will need even more miracles to last longer this time. Or maybe not? Maybe it will get easier and stay easier. Like I said, I'm open to the experiment.

I have a few tools up my sleeve, which include:
1. Mindfulness techniques that I already know
2. A mindfulness app to learn new ways to cope with cravings
3. Avoidance of usual triggers
4. High-quality whole foods nutrition
5. Supplements
6. Rewards and incentives

My reward for making it through today will be the purchase of 'Chandelier' by Sia on iTunes. Also, I bought myself some dried unsweetened mango from the bulk section at Whole Foods yesterday for when cravings get strong. Some who quit sugar would argue that dried fruits are also forbidden. For me, I know I can eat them without triggering cravings for junk food and they actually help take the edge off and make me feel less deprived. So, they're on my day 1 menu.

Also I plan to make a breakfast smoothie, I have a Mexican rice and bean bowl planned for lunch, and some homemade turkey burgers for dinner. In between I will snack on a cheese stick, cottage cheese, and some grapes. I also regularly drink a ton of water, green tea, a bottle of home-brewed kombucha, and a can of seltzer each day. My friend recently turned me on to sassy water so I will take a bottle of that (which I made on Sunday) to work today also as something to look forward to.

In terms of supplements, I keep powdered glutamine at my desk, which helps with sugar cravings. I just add some to my tea and don't even notice the taste. Yesterday, I ordered some chromium and magnesium to help keep blood sugar stable; I should have that in the next day or so.

For the first week or so my main focus is avoiding processed junk. I will employ any and all tried-and-true and new techniques that I can think of to keep cravings at bay.

Anyway, here's to a wonderful day 1!

Starting tomorrow

I was going to quit eating sugar today, the Monday after my ice-cream-every-day vacation, but yesterday I couldn't even deal with quitting "tomorrow," which is when most of my other attempts to quit sugar had started. It was always "tomorrow" when I would be a better eater and eventually quit sugar. But yesterday, I couldn't even handle the thought of quitting "tomorrow."

So, today it will be tomorrow, which really means I am quitting sugar tomorrow. I have debated how long I'll give up sugar. Last year I did No Sugar August, which went really well and I felt great. But at my sister's Labor Day picnic (September 1st) I was already back to over-indulging. Clearly, then, 1 month isn't long enough. So then I decided to do 100 days. That will put me squarely at the beginning of holiday season, which seems like the perfect holiday overeating storm (3 months of abstinence followed immediately by the holidays? Good luck with that...). So now I'm thinking that what I really need to do is to abstain pretty much forever. I'm toying with the idea of adding 1 or 2 treats per year, but really I don't know what that would accomplish. So as of right now, I'm thinking this will be a more or less (see my hesitance to commit?) permanent change.

But why do such a thing?!? Why quit something that I love so very much? I have a list of about 100 reasons, which starts off a little something like this:
1. Regular over-indulgence
2. Persistent weight gain (obviously because of #1)
3. Desire to be healthier
4. Desire to be thinner
5. Desire to be a better runner
6. Desire to be more comfortable in my clothes
7. Because I know I can't moderate sugar, and I can see where this will inevitably lead...and it's not pretty

I have honestly tortured myself for a decade now with my over-consumption of sugar. This was all prompted by an overly restrictive (a la anorexic) diet that forbade fat consumption. I was down to an unhealthily low weight, horribly depressed for dropping out of graduate school, and suddenly discovered the tranquilizing effect of sweets. That was a formula for disaster and a decade-long physical and emotional roller coaster. But honestly, I'm just sick and tired of it now. I want it to be over.

So tomorrow, I quit sugar indefinitely. As a scientist, I'm always open to a good experiment, so let's try this and see how it goes...