Day 34, underlying causes

Today is August 31. I've been telling people that I was giving up sugar for the month of August, so I have the mindset that I need to hang in there for just one more day. But today is my sister's BBQ and I am already feeling weak. Last night my husband wanted ice cream so he asked me whether I wanted some. I almost caved. It's like someone only has to suggest it and I'm already one foot out the door. But I talked with him about it and he agreed to buy a flavor I wouldn't like. He came home with coffee ice cream. Blech. He did the right thing and still I was disappointed he didn't pick up Chubby Hubby. So today is the BBQ and I'm afraid my will may be too weak today. I feel good and yet I'm tempted to return to that which makes me feel good for just a moment and then makes me feel sick and depressed and wanting more. It's insane. 

The hardest situations for me, by far, are family situations. Sweets are so much engrained with how my family relates to each other that I feel like an outsider in situations where I don't join in. And one of my greatest insecurities from way back is feeling like I don't  fit in and belong socially, professionally, and even with my family. I've been conditioned to eat sweets to relieve the anxiety associated with feeling like an outsider or like I'm not good enough. Breaking this conditioning takes a strong, concerted effort and a great belief that what I am doing is worth the effort, because the alternative is so immensely immediately rewarding, despite it's ultimate disappointment.