Defeated

It's a little bit discouraging to think I will struggle with this for the rest of my life. I think that's part of why I routinely give up. I like sweets (clearly). To think that I can never eat them makes me sad. And makes me want to give up before I even start. Feeling a bit defeated today. 

Day 2

I got a glorious 6-hour stretch of sleep last night! It's only the second one I've had in the past 7-1/2 weeks. I really needed it, too. I was completely exhausted yesterday. I'm not sure if it was mostly sugar withdrawal or a combination of lack of sleep and maybe low iron (I'm going to get my blood tested today to see if I have anemia). Regardless, I think that I am suffering from the consequences of overconsumption of sugar for the previous several days, as I also have had a headache. Just goes to show it doesn't take long to slip back into old habits and feel really awful from this garbage food. Before I became pregnant I could handle eating like this and feeling awful, but with all the demands of my body right now from breastfeeding and sleep deprivation, my body just can't compensate anymore. Being sugar-free is no longer a desire, but a necessity.

Day 1

Day one is going pretty well so far. I'm really glad I decided to do this. I've been eating maybe a little more than I "should," but I'm eating healthy foods so I'm trying not to judge. 

Body image dissatisfaction is still strong, but I'm doing everything that I can to improve the way that I feel and look, so I'm trying to just accept the body that I have currently. 

The main challenge I faced today was the cookies that I baked for my husband yesterday. I decided to put them in the cabinet so I wouldn't see them, and that is helping.

Challenge Accepted

I'm feeling good about sugar abstinence today. It's my 2 AM feeding and I woke up with a feeling of relief, clarity, and mental readiness for the challenge that lies ahead. 

Here's my commitment: I commit to abstaining from junk food with refined sugars until 6 months postpartum (134 days from now, November 3, 2015). I will not have weight loss as my primary goal, but instead will focus on creating a positive relationship with healthy food and my ability to stand up for myself in situations where this is challenged. 

Challenging situations that I can anticipate include a weekend in the Poconos for the Fourth of July, my return to work on July 13th, vacation in New Hampshire at the end of July, Labor Day BBQ at my sister's house, Halloween, and basically any given day at work or family gatherings. Knowing this, I will prepare myself with coping techniques for each unique situation and ensure I don't get over-hungry or feel deprived by having attractive food alternatives. 

It will be challenging not to focus on my weight but I will commit to weighing myself only once a month. 

Here's to yet another Day 1!

Square One

How do I keep winding back in the same place over and over again time after time? I've heard that history will repeat itself until you learn the lesson it is trying to teach you. What is my problem with sugar trying to teach me? Why did I fail again this time? 

I had decided that after my son was born I wouldn't eat sugar until I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. But Mothers' Day was a week after he was born and my father-in-law made a special dessert in my honor. I would be rude to refuse his kindness. But I went back to no sugar after that...until the weekend when we were at my sister's celebrating her husband's birthday. They had ice cream cake. A former favorite. Surely one bite wouldn't hurt. I went back to no sugar after that, again until the weekend...this time it was Memorial Day, and Aunt Jean had made Tandykakes, my favorite, just for me. Again, what's the harm in one? And clearly I handled moderation really well the last two weekends. So I decided I could do one sweet per weekend. And then my sister came to stay midweek at the beginning of June and brought 2 pints of ice cream. She offered to scoop while I was feeding my son after lunch one day. I didn't want to, but I thought if I refused that she wouldn't have any and I didn't want her not to have any just bc I wasn't having any. So I had a tiny bit. Then the next night I figured I could eat another tiny bit and then more the next night and night after, to "get it out of the house." But it was too late. I had taken the slippery slope back into dependence. I was hooked into a daily habit again. And besides, I was frustrated that my steady weight loss had plateaued, and if I wasn't losing weight anyway, why not enjoy sweets in moderation? 

Which brings me back tonSquare One. I'm overeating sweets again, feeling awful about myself mentally and physically, and bargaining with myself about why I shouldn't bother trying to quit again anyway. At least not tomorrow. Just one more day of whatever I want to eat. Oh, how the mind deceives!

I know what's best for me is to abstain again tomorrow. But long term, what is the best tactic? Abstain forever and feel deprived and have to learn how to refuse sweets made just for me (ie, be assertive and stand up for myself)? Learn moderation by some miracle so that I don't feel deprived? 

Fed Up

I'm seriously at the point now where I am fed up with my use of sugar as a coping mechanism. I'm exhausted by it. And I am ready to change again. I am sick of the seriously incessant need for sugar to get me through the day. It's making me feel awful and since I have learned that I am pregnant I am constantly worried about the ill effects on my developing fetus. I am just out of my first trimester and now that the fear of miscarriage has passed I am worried that I am doing permanent damage to my baby's still-developing vital organs. 

I need to change. And I truly want something better for my life. And for my baby's life. I don't want this baby born addicted to sugar and having to struggle their whole life. I want this baby to be as healthy as possible, and to the extent that I haven't ruined that chance already, I would like to try again. To start over. 

I bought myself a sweet from Whole Foods yesterday (my favorite), so I plan to eat that today, remembering the nuances of good and bad emotions it evokes so that I can enter sugar abstinence with a vivid memory of why this is so important. And that will be my last sweet. Indefinitely. 

I need accountability if I am going to make it so I plan to tell my husband tomorrow (it's 4am now) and also my colleagues at work and my sisters. The truth is that sugar doesn't agree with me or my baby. And they should support and respect that. 

No surprise

This week has been fairly horrendous, too. I have been doing some reading about elimination vs moderation this week. I have to say that probably the reason I am still struggling with this problem is that I resist indefinite elimination. But I like what this woman has to say about it. I know which sweet foods I can and cannot moderate and which situations do and do not trigger overconsumption. So if I can just eliminate my triggering foods and situations I can still have the occasional sweet. For example, I can eat a normal serving of pancakes and not go on eating them all day. I can eat a dessert at my in-laws' and stop when I am full. But I can't eat any chocolate at work or ice cream or baked goods with my family without wanting more. So maybe this is the next thing I try? Identifying my trigger situations and eliminating them but allowing in non-triggering situations? Or am I deluding myself?